A List! Because Goodness Abounds!

you know, if i'm good at anything, i'm good at dwelling in anxiety. i can spend all day in a cloud of worry, and i can spend all night dreaming about the same stuff (in fact, i had a couple of dreams about staffing last night - it was ridiculous).

but for all my worry and fear, for all my doubts and uncertainty, there are many wonderful things in my life. and rainy tuesdays are good days to list the things in life that are simply awesome. so here are a few:

- spicy and delicious homemade ginger syrup, used to make equally spicy and delicious ginger lime cocktails, to be shared with awesome friends.

- mario kart marathons. and if you think this is going to be the only nerdy thing on this list, think again. you clearly don't know me. 

- good beer by way of a reasonably priced victory variety pack. hop devil, golden monkey, victory pils, and victory lager - yum. 

- God's providence with staffing, as more and more people (especially dudes) submit applications for a summer of ministry.

- job stuff is...well it's not all gloom and doom. there are good options on the table. if i could just surrender my anxiety, things would really be looking up!

- a brand new, totally soft, really warm micro fleece with the ligonier logo emblazoned on the front. for cheap! i love it.

- enjoying the extended editions of the lord of the rings via netflix, while simultaneously re-reading the books (i told you there was more nerdiness to come!).

- time spent with lots of friends - neighbors & visitors alike, who are encouraging, funny, and just all-around wonderful.

- conversations with amy, who patiently listens and faithfully prays for me, even while abroad in germany with her own worries.

- little people (dylan and james, duh) who shout and run to say hi every time i see them. it consistently makes my day.

- netflix. i just...i love netflix. that's all. 

- bread pudding, wii fun, and good tv for tonight!

- simple photoshop tutorials that make my point and shoot camera look like a dslr of awesomeness.

before:

after...see??

- green returns to the trees! spring & the promise of summer! warm days! thunderstorms! delight!

- the promise of vacation, mere weeks away

so things are good. great, even. today is a quieter day in the office, but things in life are happening the way they should - which is to say, as God has set them out to be. my prayers for patience, trust, and courage are answered at the right times. and there are plenty of blessings to temper my anxiety - i just need to take the time to see them.

A Very Handmade Christmas

Merry Christmas! Or, more accurately, Happy Boxing Day! And if you really want to get personal, Happy Half-Birthday to ME!

Christmas this year was wonderfully low-key. My favorite gift by far was the simple gift of my brother and dad removing the exercise machine that took up about a quarter of my room. They also helped me move in my desk and bookshelf, a task I couldn't do by myself.

Other highlights? Anna's gift to Ken and I of matching mini notebooks complete with golden retriever puppies on the cover, an Espresso machine from Ken (who may have purchased it mostly just to use it himself, but hey, I'm not about to complain), a beautiful scarf from Tanzania that my uncle brought back after a mission trip, and the tiniest bottle of Chambord (airplane size!) you've ever seen from Aunt Karen. It's adorable. Aunt Karen has mastered the art of stocking stuffers by stuffing them with the most useful things: chapstick, mini Tide pens, tissues, mini lint rollers, and - since my 21st birthday - wee liquor bottles. It's awesome.

As far as gifts I gave? I'll share a few:

I made a pair of fingerless glove/mittens for Ken




a scarf for Aunt Karen





and another scarf for ...someone. Not telling who, since I haven't given it yet.




So that's that! Also, since I've been home, I'm making full use of my Dad's super fancy digital camera. So that's why I've had all the pictures lately. It's fun! And what a blessing to be home right now -- I've spent all of my time with  my family and it's terrific. I love them very much.

Advent

With all the craziness of the end of college, I haven't spent enough time really digging in to the advent season. Once in a while these little moments of wonder flare up in me, and I think to myself: "I should really be spending more time on all this stuff!" but then I rarely follow through. And the more time I actually do spend thinking about the incarnation of God as man, the crazier and crazier it seems. How magnificent, how ludicrous, how utterly unfathomable that the Lord of All, the Alpha & Omega, the great I AM would squeeze himself into this little, tiny, squishy baby. For me.

O holy Child of Bethlehem,
Descend to us, we pray;
Cast out our sin and enter in,
Be born in us today.
We hear the Christmas angels
The great glad tidings tell;
O come to us, abide with us,
Our Lord, Emmanuel.

11 Weeks Later...

Well, I'm home. What a summer.

It was difficult. I'm exhausted.

I forgot about the physical work that is the CIT job. I forgot how exhausting it is to clean 350 dishes after every meal, or to scrub every sink, toilet and shower, or to sweep...everything. By week 11 I didn't want to touch another dish or broom again. My feet and back and hands ached by the end of each day. But through all of that exhaustion and pain, the Lord gave me deep satisfaction. There's something amazing about watching all of that work get done in a little amount of time. Watching hundreds of bowls and plates go from being disgusting to completely clean in a mere hour is almost miraculous. Doing these jobs was a reminder that God created us to be people who work. And yes, there were days (especially by the end) where it got harder and harder to take joy in work, but I loved being able to come home and think about all of the things I'd done that day.

And for all of the physical exhaustion, there was the emotional and spiritual exhaustion that comes from living in tight community for a long period of time. Ministering to the girls and trying to meet their needs as a mentor and friend took all that I had. I learned quickly that "all that I had" wasn't very much, so the Lord had to step in for the rest. Living in community also means that, eventually, you're going to see and experience your own brokenness and the brokenness of the people around you. I learned so much about intentional community this summer; how do we address our brokenness with each other? How can I meet your needs, and how can you meet mine? What a blessing to be able to ask those questions of people who know me and love me. And what a blessing to know that we are able to know and love each other because we are known and loved by the Father first.

I'm still reflecting a lot about this summer. I loved my job so much. I loved working with Geraud, I loved living with Lauren, I loved being with my CITs, and more than all of those things, I'm seeing (and loving) how the Lord is transforming me in real and concrete ways.

I learned more this summer than I could'v hoped for, and more than I've been able to fully process. Last night, Whitney spent the night at my house and we just debriefed the summer for a few hours. It was a blessing to verbally process the things that are happening...I'm excited to keep doing that.

Camp happened. It happened in a big, big way...I'm glad it happened, I'm glad I got to be a part of its happening, and I'm glad - in some ways - that it's no longer happening. It's time for the next stuff to happen.

But for right now I'm sleepy and ready to do nothing for a while. I've made plans and committments to friends with whom I'm going to be intentional, and I'm ready to spend some time with my family. I might go to Pittsburgh this week for a Pirates game, and Washington over the weekend for a Steelers/Redskins preseason game. I might go to the Thayers after that and spend some time with my second family :)

It's good to be home, even if it's a tough transition to be away from so many people whom I love...but the Lord is faithful and I'm where I need to be.

Post-California & New Adventures

California was beautiful!!!! And I had a wonderful time meeting Lisa's friends and seeing her school, her coffee shop (what a weird thing to say is "hers" but she spends a ton of time there...you know how it is), and her church. I love seeing where my friends live, especially when they're far away. It's fun to know their context and being able to match names to faces and locations to images.

Speaking of images, here are some pictures!



This is a view from Pepperdine University. That campus was...incredible. Hello, ocean!



Malibu! There's a man in the bottom left hand corner who looks like he's showing off his butt, but I don't think he is...



Sunset from the Santa Monica Pier



The Getty! A sweet museum with beautiful gardens, a nice collection, and no contemporary art! (We asked to make sure we hadn't missed it.)



One of the many fountains at the Getty



Flower trees from the Getty gardens



Tourism! I made Lisa take me down to the Chinese Theater. We were in Hollywood anyway for church, but this photo proves I'm still a tourist.



Fun!

Anyway, today I'm just relaxing at home. I have some fun stuff going on tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday. And on Friday High School Beth and I are going to catch a movie and hang out, which will be a nice time. And a week from Friday? Helloooooo CAMP!

Excerpt No 4

I'm almost done with that incredibly long reflection I wrote a while ago. I had an email from a friend this morning that reminded me of these things once again. It's so easy to forget where my focus should be...in lots of ways it's been scattered about this semester. So here's the last chunk of this thing. It's good to re-read it and remember to what I've been called.

The path is this, and this alone: to love the Lord first with great energy and passion, and through that – and only that! – to let His love overflow in me and on to the people in my life. The things that change through this formula are this: for one, I will put my energy into loving the One who will always satisfy me fully. I will not face being left alone; I will not face feeling unloved or under-valued. I will be enveloped in the all-consuming love of my creator who has called me His own, His beloved, and His child. What a radical thing, to believe that in its actuality.

Secondly, the overflow of love will come naturally out of my love for Him, meaning it will not spring from the desire to feel loved. That desire, in fact, will already be met, leaving only the desire to show selfless love. Knowing that I’m satisfied in Christ allows me to love my friends and family without the cruel undertow of unsatisfied expectations. I have to re-direct my thoughts to Him, instead of to me. How is making this gift, writing this letter, sending this message going to bring glory to God? Am I doing it for the sake of a response? Or am I doing it because God has gifted me with talents and with friendship, and the natural outflow of these things is a letter, phone call, or gift for a friend? Do I honestly love them through Him? Or do I love myself through the works of my hands?

To do this – to love in this way – would be unbelievably transformative. It goes beyond the words and gifts, and is connected to every part of love and friendship. Selfless love can only come through the honest love of Christ. When I finally invest in Him, then I’ll be able to share the things I feel without them making me feel guilty or foolish. When I’m loving my friends selflessly, I don’t have to worry about talking about the things on my heart, because I’m not doing it to get their approval or to hear them tell me I’m awesome. I’m doing it because of honest feelings and the need for community. I want to be able to talk about my mom without feeling like I’m digging for pity and attention. I want to be able to sit down at my computer and not feel chained to Facebook. I want to be able to make a phone call without wondering if I seem like a creep because I called earlier in the week. I want to send an email without worrying about looking clingy. I want to let go of this selfishness, because when I finally do, I will be able to be the friend I want to be. And I think that I’ve been that friend in some ways, but it’s come at a cost. To lift the burden…oh, how wonderful! What a relief, to love the Lord first and freely, and then to love my friends without anxiety or pain. To be satisfied in Christ and in His love, instead of weighing and judging every message or letter – that would turn my world upside down.

It's true. It would. Ahh, so much of this still resonates with me...I have so much left to learn. So much in me needs to change. But it will come in time, effort, and God's grace.

Grove City and Grocrey Bags

Well, the weekend is drawing to a close. And it was a very enjoyable one, that's for certain. I went out to Grove City, which included seeing a Jinks' senior recital, raspberry chocolate chip pancakes, something called dessert theater, and just nice times spent with good friends. My trips to the other side of the state are equal parts exhausting and refreshing. On one hand, it's a lot of time and money to get out there...but on the other hand, it's so good to recharge with some people who love you.

So now I'm back at school and getting in gear for the week. I'm pretty much over the sickness that plagued me for the last several days, and this week should be full of fun. What fun, you ask? Well, on Tuesday I'll be spending time with Amanda who is home on spring break. I'm also making stuff for the Edible Art Contest on Thursday with College Beth. And on Thursday I get to go on a field trip with my kids at my early field school! AND I don't have my first class tomorrow, and I'm class-free on Friday! Wonderful :)

On a separate note, I just found this website demonstrating how to use plastic grocery bags as yarn. And can I just say, THANK GOODNESS. I try to be as environmentally conscious as possible, but sometimes I just fail miserably. One really obvious manifestation of that failing is the rather large pile of plastic grocery bags stored up in my room. I've kept them because I can't bear to throw them out, and I'm glad to have finally found a way to use them.

So hopefully I can make something super cool like THIS. How exciting!

Excerpt No 3

The weekend! It's almost over! What a shame. I didn't do much this weekend and it was awesome. Also, I'm sorry for the text-heavy posts lately. I wish I had more pictures, but other than finding those lame photoshopped pictures of like, glowing crosses or ridiculous stuff like that, I'm not really sure what to use. I'll just have to knit more stuff to share on here, I guess.

Anyway, CHUNK NUMBER 3!!! Here it is:

What it comes down to is the motivations in my heart. Am I acting out of selfless love for the person in my life? If that’s the case, I should not enter into the act of showing love with the expectation of receiving it in equal measure. True love is going to come from the love I have for – and more importantly from - God, not the love I have for or from my friends. And I know these things, really, I do. But I’m broken, so more often than not, I write letters so I can get letters. I make phone calls so I’ll get phone calls. I compliment to get compliments, give gifts to get gifts, and pour out my energy and thoughts into a person in order to get them in return. I’m self-serving in the worst of ways, because it’s disguised, making me look like such a wonderful person, while inside I anxiously await the response for my own pleasure. And remarkably, I am never, ever satisfied with the result. When I write an eloquent letter or email telling of the great qualities my friend has, the response is never quite as meaningful or powerful as what I’ve built up in my mind. When I spend hours creating a piece of art, or stay up until 4 in the morning painting a picture, or spend money to send packages full of mix CDs and art and scarves…when I pour out hours and hours of my time and energy into creating something for a person with the motivation of feeling that love in return, I am always let down. I am never satisfied. The giving is broken by my sin. Think how wonderful giving could be if it were rooted in love from God!

Before now, I didn’t realize the cost of this attitude. I didn’t realize that it goes beyond me and my insecurity. This hidden selfishness is harmful not just to me as I continually set myself up for heartbreak, but it rather exactingly erodes the bonds of friendship I have with people whom I love. I loved those friends. I really, honestly did. But the mistake of putting my love solely on them…of course heartbreak ensued. What foolishness made me think anything else could happen? And how can I now, at my age and experience, intentionally continue down this path of misguided love?

Excerpt No 2

Aaahh, the weekend at last! It felt so good to sleep in today, even though the fire alarm for my dorm awoke me at 4:45 this morning. I live in such a large dorm that when we have fire alarms, they only evacuate three floors: the one where the alarm was set off, and the two above and below it. When you're not among those floors, you get to listen to a terribly repetitive announcement that goes something like this: "Attention. Attention. An incident has been reported in the building, but does not affect your floor. Do not use the elevators or leave your floor until you have heard from the automated emergency message." And that repeats over. And over. Very loudly. At least I didn't have to leave my bed, however!

I taught two 7th grade lessons yesterday, one of which was observed by my supervisor. The lessons went well, and my supervisor gave me great feedback. She's wonderful! And I've found that the Lord really provides me with enouragement when I need it most. Over the last 3 years, as I've begun to wonder if I made the right decision about Kutztown and Art Education, He's put professors or situations that remind me that I'm where I need to be. It's good to be reminded of that once again.

So today I finally get to relax and let go of worries! Spring break was full of homework, but this weekend isn't, which is great. Leeanne might be stopping by on Sunday as she travels about this side of the state doing promotions; it'll be nice to see her and get even more excited about this summer (if that's possible).

To conclude, I'll throw in the next chunk of my reflection I started to share last time.

"In high school I poured out so much ridiculous, manufactured pain on a close friend of mine. I expected so much from her, knowing that what I asked was out of a vain desire to feel assurance or pity or love. Had I just been a friend, I could’ve had something much more meaningful. Sure, it was a time of growth and pain…but much of it was selfish and demanding.

And another case – oh man. Talk about self-destructive. There are so many examples within that relationship where I let go of sensibility and dove headfirst into this hedonistic attitude that enveloped me. From the fall of senior year (How was that awful time in my life ever defined as “good” by me? How could I not see what I was doing?), to the winter when I let my heart be abused and mistreated, to the spring when, in an unbelievably pathetic turn of events, I gratefully – gratefully! - welcomed this person’s friendship with no questions asked. Gracious? I wish it were rooted in that. But it was rooted in feeling loved again, no matter the cost. And that I held on to that for another three years of aching self-doubt and insecurity…what a sad story.

I guess the good news is this: I can look back on that and see how broken those relationships were. Had I some self-control or a bit more wisdom, I could’ve salvaged a friendship, or saved myself a lot of heartache. I’m amazed at how easily I gave myself over to someone who was so thoughtless with my heart. And I’m amazed at how selfishly I demanded the attention and energy of someone that I said I cared about. And I did care! Oh, I did. And with great devotion, and great, exacting care I would tell and re-tell the people in my life how fabulous I thought they were.

Why do I do that? I mean, I still do. Does it stem from wanting that same assurance? Probably…well, at least partially. It’s equally unhealthy to criticize something about me that’s valuable. I think nurturing is a gift of mine, particularly through words of encouragement and gifts. So while I was blinded by my willingness to feel loved to the point that I would let myself be hurt (or would even hurt others) I think I equally feel the desire to pour out that love on the people from whom I demand it."

Excerpt No 1

Remember how I said I didn't have any time for this thing? Well, turns out that I do. Mostly because I'm procrastinating...classy, I know. But I'm exhausted after teaching all day, and I need to gear up to do it all again tomorrow. Fun! Actually, I really love my kids, and today was a ton of fun. But I'm still tired.

Anyway, I mentioned a while ago that I recently re-discovered a reflection I typed up in September during my post-camp recovery period. Since writing it, I've re-read it a few times and it continues to ring true with me. So I've been editing it a bit, and I'm going to be posting sections of it on here for a while. At least, that is the plan.

So here's the first excerpt! Forgive me if it seems really self-indulgent. I was going to post a really huge chunk of it tonight, but I think it would be too overwhelming, so I'll spread it out...prepare yourself! The next few days will be reflection-laden.

"I’ve spent the last year – well at least the last six months – being very self reflective and completely unaware of myself all at the same time. How is it possible for a person to spend all of their time thinking about themselves and coming to no conclusive emotion or realization? And at the same time, I can tell there are things that have changed about me, and I know I’ve had some pretty profound realizations about how I’m different and how God changes my worldview. But I’m so scared that these observations aren’t actually weighted in God or in me, but – as always – they’re rooted in the love, affection, and attention awarded from the people around me. I’m so, SO caught up in that world. I know that I am; I know that it’s probably more destructive than I’m willing to admit. Have I lost the ability to know how I’m actually feeling?

What have I learned? How have I changed? Where is God in all of this? What is healthy about my emotional state? What’s unhealthy? These are questions that I know I need to ask…I need some sort of awareness of these things. It’s time for some reflection.

Sitting around waiting for phone calls or AIM messages or emails or Facebook messages to confirm my value and worth is a ridiculous course of action. It’s unhealthy. It needs to stop. How do I shut off that desire for satisfaction through other people? That has been a source of pain and confusion in my life for many years. I have to think about how my attitude has affected my relationships in the past. In reality, the ways in which I rely on other people to define me and assign value to me have caused significant damage to all of my closest relationships in the past several years. "

DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNN!! Cliff hanger! I know, I know. You'll hear all of the juicy (and...embarassing?) details of my failures in a later post.

In the meantime, I'm going to watch The Office!

Rascal, the Knitted Kitty

My sister's 8th birthday is coming up. What do you get for the little girl who has everything, and who only wants MORE High School Musical stuff? The answer? Meet Rascal, the Knitted Kitty:



He's cute, isn't he?

Yesterday I stumbled upon the pattern to make Rascal. It's SO simple! You can find the pattern here.



Making Rascal was a lot of fun, mostly because it doesn't take very long. I'm a novice knitter, and it shows in some ways. Rascal is a little wonky and lumpy, but he's still cute.



I'll be making my sister a different knitted kitty, now that I have a feel for the pattern and so on. Hers will probably be purple or blue.



I love making hand-made gifts for people. This year for Christmas, I think I only bought one or two gifts for my friends and family. Being an art major means I get to spend my time making things that end up being pretty good gifts for my loved ones. But I love making something especially for someone. There's something special that happens while you're creating something with a person in mind; you spend that time thinking about them, praying for them, and loving them - even from afar.



And if YOU want to learn how to make a knitted kitty, you can do it! Just go to that link. You know, the one up there! Or the one right here! And if you're thinking that you'd like to make a knitted kitty, but you can't knit...well, just learn! It's a pretty easy thing to do...I'm sure there's a little old lady at your church or in your community that would love to teach you. And, if that doesn't pan out, the Internet is FULL of knitting help. There are videos, tutorials, forums and tons of blogs devoted to the craft. Most of my knitting knowledge came from the power of Googling. So just...do it! It's a ton of fun.

Finally, I need to think of a name for the kitty I give my sister, unless I want all my hard work to be named "Troy" from High School Musical. So if you have any creative kitty names, feel free to share them!

Persecution, the Church...and Watercolor

It's Sunday! And I went to a different church this morning (I do that a lot - mostly because I'm not here much on the weekends, so I don't really have a "church home" here)

Sadly, the service I attended today set my teeth on edge. I'm not sure if I my response is entirely justified or Biblical; sometimes my personal values and beliefs cloud what is true. But sometimes I think my response is grounded in truth...and I think today that was the case.

Now, I'm SURE this church is rooted in the Bible. They are brothers and sisters in faith. They seek after the Lord. They want to love Him and serve Him; I acknowledge that wholeheartedly. But today's sermon frustrated me in many ways. The preacher spoke on the passage in John where Christ warns his disciples of persecution due to their faith (the end of chapter 15 and the first few verses of 16). The crux of the sermon was that we, as American Christians, are persecuted by those who hate the faith - particularly those in our government. There was lots of talk about things like pro-life pastors being arrested for protesting, laws being passed that "attacked the faith" and so forth. The pastor suggested that we should all be memorizing scripture not because it is important to have the Word in our hearts, but because one day (possibly soon!) being a Christian may be illegal in our nation.

What.

To suggest that the greatest dangers facing the American Church today come at the hands of our government is foolishness, to me. That kind of religious-right agenda puts a bad taste in my mouth, and in the mouths of many. Sure, there is merit to discussing issues like abortion - but there is much more than just that.

The American Church (oh what a varied body she is!) cannot wallow in its "persecution." We cannot point fingers at atheists, or pro-choice people, or our government. The dangers facing our church are much deeper and much closer to home than that. The dangers in our church come from within - from apathy, complacency, from being satisfied with the status quo. They come from our culture of consumption, entitlement and me-first-me-only thinking. They come from alienating others with a message of hate, or - on the other side - from being passive and postmodern in our approach to the gospel.

There is so much work to be done. Work that goes beyond mailing postcards of fetuses to senators. Work that involves loving others, not shouting at them. And even if I don't share the views of this church (I'm one of those Demi-crats, you know), I am as much a part of the problem. I know that I fail to meet the demands of the gospel. I am broken, too.

That being said...the rest of my Sunday has been enjoyable! And really, even If i don't agree with that church on that, it gave me something to think about. And that's a good thing. After church I had lunch with my roommate and some of her friends, and I just finished a watercolor!



See, there it is! I was really nervous about watercolor before I started this semester. I'm an oil painter usually, and the method is very, VERY different. But I'm starting to get the hang of it, which makes it much more enjoyable, that's for sure.

So now I'm just going to enjoy the rest of my Sabbath. I might make some granny squares, or do a crossword, or call a friend. It's a nice, snowy day to enjoy.

On Reflection

About every six months I find myself in a place where I try to sort out and make sense of where my life is, and where it is going. Usually this happens at the end of the summer and in the middle of winter. I reflect at the summer's close after a few months of working at camp, and again in winter when I feel far-removed from those experiences.

I think it's that time again.

In fact, I think it's providentially become that time again. A few days ago, I organized the Word documents on my computer. Nothing fancy, I just threw all of last semesters papers and journals into a folder marked for my senior year. As I was sorting, I cam across a reflection I wrote in early September entitled "it's time for this." And I could not, for the life of me, remember writing it.

Now, I guess I should preface this a little. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the things I'm experiencing, and the best way for me to get a handle on things is through typing and typing and typing. It's cathartic. But when I go back to those writings months later, it's usually with some mortification. I get easily embarrassed by the things I write - mostly because I've grown out of feeling those things by the time I go back to them.

Which is why a blog may or may not be a sound choice.

But I digress...so I found this "writing" or whatever and, well, it's good that I found it again. Insightful, I know! But really. I wrote a lot about a subject that I've been encircling in thought and action for years: love. Woah, I know, PROFOUND! What a big deal! But it's true...I've spent a lot of time in Scripture, prayer and discussion over the subject of loving one another, loving God, and being loved both by Him and by others. It's a dizzying thing, after awhile.

While some of the entry is a bit personal, I think I'll be revisiting it and sharing some of the things I'm still sorting out.

In the meantime, however, I need to muster the courage to go to my painting studio. I enjoy painting, but it's been a struggle this semester. I'm floundering for anything meaningful right now; mostly because I'm still trying to sort out where I am, let alone where my art can be. So...we'll see how that goes.