The weekend! It's almost over! What a shame. I didn't do much this weekend and it was awesome. Also, I'm sorry for the text-heavy posts lately. I wish I had more pictures, but other than finding those lame photoshopped pictures of like, glowing crosses or ridiculous stuff like that, I'm not really sure what to use. I'll just have to knit more stuff to share on here, I guess.
Anyway, CHUNK NUMBER 3!!! Here it is:
What it comes down to is the motivations in my heart. Am I acting out of selfless love for the person in my life? If that’s the case, I should not enter into the act of showing love with the expectation of receiving it in equal measure. True love is going to come from the love I have for – and more importantly from - God, not the love I have for or from my friends. And I know these things, really, I do. But I’m broken, so more often than not, I write letters so I can get letters. I make phone calls so I’ll get phone calls. I compliment to get compliments, give gifts to get gifts, and pour out my energy and thoughts into a person in order to get them in return. I’m self-serving in the worst of ways, because it’s disguised, making me look like such a wonderful person, while inside I anxiously await the response for my own pleasure. And remarkably, I am never, ever satisfied with the result. When I write an eloquent letter or email telling of the great qualities my friend has, the response is never quite as meaningful or powerful as what I’ve built up in my mind. When I spend hours creating a piece of art, or stay up until 4 in the morning painting a picture, or spend money to send packages full of mix CDs and art and scarves…when I pour out hours and hours of my time and energy into creating something for a person with the motivation of feeling that love in return, I am always let down. I am never satisfied. The giving is broken by my sin. Think how wonderful giving could be if it were rooted in love from God!
Before now, I didn’t realize the cost of this attitude. I didn’t realize that it goes beyond me and my insecurity. This hidden selfishness is harmful not just to me as I continually set myself up for heartbreak, but it rather exactingly erodes the bonds of friendship I have with people whom I love. I loved those friends. I really, honestly did. But the mistake of putting my love solely on them…of course heartbreak ensued. What foolishness made me think anything else could happen? And how can I now, at my age and experience, intentionally continue down this path of misguided love?
March 15, 2009
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i'm a bit behind in my blog reading. thanks for sharing with such openess. oh, how much easier (and by "easier," i mean still not at all easy!) to change our actions and words than our core selfish motivations.
ReplyDeletethanks be to God for his great grace and mercy.