March 14, 2009

Excerpt No 2

Aaahh, the weekend at last! It felt so good to sleep in today, even though the fire alarm for my dorm awoke me at 4:45 this morning. I live in such a large dorm that when we have fire alarms, they only evacuate three floors: the one where the alarm was set off, and the two above and below it. When you're not among those floors, you get to listen to a terribly repetitive announcement that goes something like this: "Attention. Attention. An incident has been reported in the building, but does not affect your floor. Do not use the elevators or leave your floor until you have heard from the automated emergency message." And that repeats over. And over. Very loudly. At least I didn't have to leave my bed, however!

I taught two 7th grade lessons yesterday, one of which was observed by my supervisor. The lessons went well, and my supervisor gave me great feedback. She's wonderful! And I've found that the Lord really provides me with enouragement when I need it most. Over the last 3 years, as I've begun to wonder if I made the right decision about Kutztown and Art Education, He's put professors or situations that remind me that I'm where I need to be. It's good to be reminded of that once again.

So today I finally get to relax and let go of worries! Spring break was full of homework, but this weekend isn't, which is great. Leeanne might be stopping by on Sunday as she travels about this side of the state doing promotions; it'll be nice to see her and get even more excited about this summer (if that's possible).

To conclude, I'll throw in the next chunk of my reflection I started to share last time.

"In high school I poured out so much ridiculous, manufactured pain on a close friend of mine. I expected so much from her, knowing that what I asked was out of a vain desire to feel assurance or pity or love. Had I just been a friend, I could’ve had something much more meaningful. Sure, it was a time of growth and pain…but much of it was selfish and demanding.

And another case – oh man. Talk about self-destructive. There are so many examples within that relationship where I let go of sensibility and dove headfirst into this hedonistic attitude that enveloped me. From the fall of senior year (How was that awful time in my life ever defined as “good” by me? How could I not see what I was doing?), to the winter when I let my heart be abused and mistreated, to the spring when, in an unbelievably pathetic turn of events, I gratefully – gratefully! - welcomed this person’s friendship with no questions asked. Gracious? I wish it were rooted in that. But it was rooted in feeling loved again, no matter the cost. And that I held on to that for another three years of aching self-doubt and insecurity…what a sad story.

I guess the good news is this: I can look back on that and see how broken those relationships were. Had I some self-control or a bit more wisdom, I could’ve salvaged a friendship, or saved myself a lot of heartache. I’m amazed at how easily I gave myself over to someone who was so thoughtless with my heart. And I’m amazed at how selfishly I demanded the attention and energy of someone that I said I cared about. And I did care! Oh, I did. And with great devotion, and great, exacting care I would tell and re-tell the people in my life how fabulous I thought they were.

Why do I do that? I mean, I still do. Does it stem from wanting that same assurance? Probably…well, at least partially. It’s equally unhealthy to criticize something about me that’s valuable. I think nurturing is a gift of mine, particularly through words of encouragement and gifts. So while I was blinded by my willingness to feel loved to the point that I would let myself be hurt (or would even hurt others) I think I equally feel the desire to pour out that love on the people from whom I demand it."

2 comments:

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  2. like we all well ill speak for myself..i look for that worth value to come from other people, and it only can be truly given from God. Even the best relationships are broken..because of our imperfections.

    sorry to many spelling mistakes in the other one!

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