Excerpt No 4

I'm almost done with that incredibly long reflection I wrote a while ago. I had an email from a friend this morning that reminded me of these things once again. It's so easy to forget where my focus should be...in lots of ways it's been scattered about this semester. So here's the last chunk of this thing. It's good to re-read it and remember to what I've been called.

The path is this, and this alone: to love the Lord first with great energy and passion, and through that – and only that! – to let His love overflow in me and on to the people in my life. The things that change through this formula are this: for one, I will put my energy into loving the One who will always satisfy me fully. I will not face being left alone; I will not face feeling unloved or under-valued. I will be enveloped in the all-consuming love of my creator who has called me His own, His beloved, and His child. What a radical thing, to believe that in its actuality.

Secondly, the overflow of love will come naturally out of my love for Him, meaning it will not spring from the desire to feel loved. That desire, in fact, will already be met, leaving only the desire to show selfless love. Knowing that I’m satisfied in Christ allows me to love my friends and family without the cruel undertow of unsatisfied expectations. I have to re-direct my thoughts to Him, instead of to me. How is making this gift, writing this letter, sending this message going to bring glory to God? Am I doing it for the sake of a response? Or am I doing it because God has gifted me with talents and with friendship, and the natural outflow of these things is a letter, phone call, or gift for a friend? Do I honestly love them through Him? Or do I love myself through the works of my hands?

To do this – to love in this way – would be unbelievably transformative. It goes beyond the words and gifts, and is connected to every part of love and friendship. Selfless love can only come through the honest love of Christ. When I finally invest in Him, then I’ll be able to share the things I feel without them making me feel guilty or foolish. When I’m loving my friends selflessly, I don’t have to worry about talking about the things on my heart, because I’m not doing it to get their approval or to hear them tell me I’m awesome. I’m doing it because of honest feelings and the need for community. I want to be able to talk about my mom without feeling like I’m digging for pity and attention. I want to be able to sit down at my computer and not feel chained to Facebook. I want to be able to make a phone call without wondering if I seem like a creep because I called earlier in the week. I want to send an email without worrying about looking clingy. I want to let go of this selfishness, because when I finally do, I will be able to be the friend I want to be. And I think that I’ve been that friend in some ways, but it’s come at a cost. To lift the burden…oh, how wonderful! What a relief, to love the Lord first and freely, and then to love my friends without anxiety or pain. To be satisfied in Christ and in His love, instead of weighing and judging every message or letter – that would turn my world upside down.

It's true. It would. Ahh, so much of this still resonates with me...I have so much left to learn. So much in me needs to change. But it will come in time, effort, and God's grace.