Rain and Gloom, Or How I (re)Discovered God's Faithfulness in February

the last two months have been a challenge. i packed up my cozy room in mcconnellsburg. i said tearful goodbyes to my church family and, you know, my regular one. i said goodbye to one tiny town and hello to another tiny town.

i moved to camp.

and if you know me, you know i love camp. it felt so strange to be away from it this summer. away from the games, the routine, the songs and skits and staff. so the opportunity to be back - and not just back, but back starting in january - sounded fantastic. it sounded like where i was supposed to be.

but when the time to leave rolled around, it felt less like that. i realized how much home felt like, well, home. leaving felt absurd and scary. but at that point, it's not like there was much of a choice left to make; it was time to go.

and now i'm here. the work is good work. i have community, and a job that matters. i live in a cozy house:

and i live with friends and neighbors who are caring, loving, and gracious. even with all that, the transition has been rough around the edges at times. i leapt headfirst into a time consuming and pretty intense job. and even with the familiarity of camp and the surrounding area, there's a level of feeling out of place that comes and goes.

in other words, it's not home yet.

today i gave a family with three sons a tour of the property and answered their questions about camp. and while i was telling them about everything we do, i remembered how much this place can feel like home. i remembered how precious my summers have been here, and i remembered how much i love being here.

so this afternoon, i decided to go for a walk. the weather here is downright gross today. it's rainy, gloomy, muddy and wet. yesterday would've been a much better day to trek about, with the sun out and the bright blue sky, but today felt right. it's not too cold, and the rain isn't too heavy. and the more i looked, the more beautiful the day became.

i don't mean to sound too melodramatic here. it's not like i've been slogging through some emotional turmoil and i finally had some breakthrough today. "i've been so sad, but now i see that the sad is beautiful!" ha, not this time. i'm actually quite happy, but the confusion and transition felt a little messy.

today it was nice to be out in the mess and enjoy it. it's not that photogenic, it's not the ideal day to show off our property, or to take a lot of photos for my blog to impress you with the beauty of my surroundings. but it's where i am right now, and today i remembered that the lord put me here with great intentionality. he put me here, because here is where i'm supposed to be. he put me here in the middle of winter, when there are no kids, when it snows all the time, when it's cold and icy.

he put me here to accomplish his purposes for me, no matter how vague or distant they might feel to me right now. and he calls me to enjoy it, not just in the summer. not just on the bright and beautiful days, but always.

11 Weeks Later...

Well, I'm home. What a summer.

It was difficult. I'm exhausted.

I forgot about the physical work that is the CIT job. I forgot how exhausting it is to clean 350 dishes after every meal, or to scrub every sink, toilet and shower, or to sweep...everything. By week 11 I didn't want to touch another dish or broom again. My feet and back and hands ached by the end of each day. But through all of that exhaustion and pain, the Lord gave me deep satisfaction. There's something amazing about watching all of that work get done in a little amount of time. Watching hundreds of bowls and plates go from being disgusting to completely clean in a mere hour is almost miraculous. Doing these jobs was a reminder that God created us to be people who work. And yes, there were days (especially by the end) where it got harder and harder to take joy in work, but I loved being able to come home and think about all of the things I'd done that day.

And for all of the physical exhaustion, there was the emotional and spiritual exhaustion that comes from living in tight community for a long period of time. Ministering to the girls and trying to meet their needs as a mentor and friend took all that I had. I learned quickly that "all that I had" wasn't very much, so the Lord had to step in for the rest. Living in community also means that, eventually, you're going to see and experience your own brokenness and the brokenness of the people around you. I learned so much about intentional community this summer; how do we address our brokenness with each other? How can I meet your needs, and how can you meet mine? What a blessing to be able to ask those questions of people who know me and love me. And what a blessing to know that we are able to know and love each other because we are known and loved by the Father first.

I'm still reflecting a lot about this summer. I loved my job so much. I loved working with Geraud, I loved living with Lauren, I loved being with my CITs, and more than all of those things, I'm seeing (and loving) how the Lord is transforming me in real and concrete ways.

I learned more this summer than I could'v hoped for, and more than I've been able to fully process. Last night, Whitney spent the night at my house and we just debriefed the summer for a few hours. It was a blessing to verbally process the things that are happening...I'm excited to keep doing that.

Camp happened. It happened in a big, big way...I'm glad it happened, I'm glad I got to be a part of its happening, and I'm glad - in some ways - that it's no longer happening. It's time for the next stuff to happen.

But for right now I'm sleepy and ready to do nothing for a while. I've made plans and committments to friends with whom I'm going to be intentional, and I'm ready to spend some time with my family. I might go to Pittsburgh this week for a Pirates game, and Washington over the weekend for a Steelers/Redskins preseason game. I might go to the Thayers after that and spend some time with my second family :)

It's good to be home, even if it's a tough transition to be away from so many people whom I love...but the Lord is faithful and I'm where I need to be.

Monday, Monday

I am not feeling this Monday. It's rainy, I'm tired, and the realization that I didn't get any work done this weekend is crashing down right about...now. I mean, it will all be okay, but there's a lot to do today and tomorrow. And over the weekend. And for the next 3 weeks. Oh dear...

The good news is that I have AT MOST 24 days left to my semester. Love it!

In a different vein, I've been reading The Imitation of Christ since I finished up one of my other books this weekend. It's great because the text is divided up into small sections, so I read one or two a day and think about it. Last night I read this:

"If men used as much care in uprooting vices and implanting virtues as they do in discussing problems, there would not be so much evil and scandal in the world, or such laxity in religious organizations. On the day of judgment, surely, we shall not be asked what we have read but what we have done; not how well we have spoken but how well we have lived."
- Thomas à Kempis

I think there's a lot of wisdom there, especially since I'm the kind of person who prides myself in being knowledgeable. And not just because it's good to learn (obviously I believe that, as a future teacher) , but because I like to feel like I know a lot. I need to get some perspective on how my knowledge is being used or should be used.

And one more quote:

"I would rather feel contrition than know how to define it"
- Thomas à Kempis

Amen.

Excerpt No 4

I'm almost done with that incredibly long reflection I wrote a while ago. I had an email from a friend this morning that reminded me of these things once again. It's so easy to forget where my focus should be...in lots of ways it's been scattered about this semester. So here's the last chunk of this thing. It's good to re-read it and remember to what I've been called.

The path is this, and this alone: to love the Lord first with great energy and passion, and through that – and only that! – to let His love overflow in me and on to the people in my life. The things that change through this formula are this: for one, I will put my energy into loving the One who will always satisfy me fully. I will not face being left alone; I will not face feeling unloved or under-valued. I will be enveloped in the all-consuming love of my creator who has called me His own, His beloved, and His child. What a radical thing, to believe that in its actuality.

Secondly, the overflow of love will come naturally out of my love for Him, meaning it will not spring from the desire to feel loved. That desire, in fact, will already be met, leaving only the desire to show selfless love. Knowing that I’m satisfied in Christ allows me to love my friends and family without the cruel undertow of unsatisfied expectations. I have to re-direct my thoughts to Him, instead of to me. How is making this gift, writing this letter, sending this message going to bring glory to God? Am I doing it for the sake of a response? Or am I doing it because God has gifted me with talents and with friendship, and the natural outflow of these things is a letter, phone call, or gift for a friend? Do I honestly love them through Him? Or do I love myself through the works of my hands?

To do this – to love in this way – would be unbelievably transformative. It goes beyond the words and gifts, and is connected to every part of love and friendship. Selfless love can only come through the honest love of Christ. When I finally invest in Him, then I’ll be able to share the things I feel without them making me feel guilty or foolish. When I’m loving my friends selflessly, I don’t have to worry about talking about the things on my heart, because I’m not doing it to get their approval or to hear them tell me I’m awesome. I’m doing it because of honest feelings and the need for community. I want to be able to talk about my mom without feeling like I’m digging for pity and attention. I want to be able to sit down at my computer and not feel chained to Facebook. I want to be able to make a phone call without wondering if I seem like a creep because I called earlier in the week. I want to send an email without worrying about looking clingy. I want to let go of this selfishness, because when I finally do, I will be able to be the friend I want to be. And I think that I’ve been that friend in some ways, but it’s come at a cost. To lift the burden…oh, how wonderful! What a relief, to love the Lord first and freely, and then to love my friends without anxiety or pain. To be satisfied in Christ and in His love, instead of weighing and judging every message or letter – that would turn my world upside down.

It's true. It would. Ahh, so much of this still resonates with me...I have so much left to learn. So much in me needs to change. But it will come in time, effort, and God's grace.

Excerpt No 3

The weekend! It's almost over! What a shame. I didn't do much this weekend and it was awesome. Also, I'm sorry for the text-heavy posts lately. I wish I had more pictures, but other than finding those lame photoshopped pictures of like, glowing crosses or ridiculous stuff like that, I'm not really sure what to use. I'll just have to knit more stuff to share on here, I guess.

Anyway, CHUNK NUMBER 3!!! Here it is:

What it comes down to is the motivations in my heart. Am I acting out of selfless love for the person in my life? If that’s the case, I should not enter into the act of showing love with the expectation of receiving it in equal measure. True love is going to come from the love I have for – and more importantly from - God, not the love I have for or from my friends. And I know these things, really, I do. But I’m broken, so more often than not, I write letters so I can get letters. I make phone calls so I’ll get phone calls. I compliment to get compliments, give gifts to get gifts, and pour out my energy and thoughts into a person in order to get them in return. I’m self-serving in the worst of ways, because it’s disguised, making me look like such a wonderful person, while inside I anxiously await the response for my own pleasure. And remarkably, I am never, ever satisfied with the result. When I write an eloquent letter or email telling of the great qualities my friend has, the response is never quite as meaningful or powerful as what I’ve built up in my mind. When I spend hours creating a piece of art, or stay up until 4 in the morning painting a picture, or spend money to send packages full of mix CDs and art and scarves…when I pour out hours and hours of my time and energy into creating something for a person with the motivation of feeling that love in return, I am always let down. I am never satisfied. The giving is broken by my sin. Think how wonderful giving could be if it were rooted in love from God!

Before now, I didn’t realize the cost of this attitude. I didn’t realize that it goes beyond me and my insecurity. This hidden selfishness is harmful not just to me as I continually set myself up for heartbreak, but it rather exactingly erodes the bonds of friendship I have with people whom I love. I loved those friends. I really, honestly did. But the mistake of putting my love solely on them…of course heartbreak ensued. What foolishness made me think anything else could happen? And how can I now, at my age and experience, intentionally continue down this path of misguided love?

Excerpt No 2

Aaahh, the weekend at last! It felt so good to sleep in today, even though the fire alarm for my dorm awoke me at 4:45 this morning. I live in such a large dorm that when we have fire alarms, they only evacuate three floors: the one where the alarm was set off, and the two above and below it. When you're not among those floors, you get to listen to a terribly repetitive announcement that goes something like this: "Attention. Attention. An incident has been reported in the building, but does not affect your floor. Do not use the elevators or leave your floor until you have heard from the automated emergency message." And that repeats over. And over. Very loudly. At least I didn't have to leave my bed, however!

I taught two 7th grade lessons yesterday, one of which was observed by my supervisor. The lessons went well, and my supervisor gave me great feedback. She's wonderful! And I've found that the Lord really provides me with enouragement when I need it most. Over the last 3 years, as I've begun to wonder if I made the right decision about Kutztown and Art Education, He's put professors or situations that remind me that I'm where I need to be. It's good to be reminded of that once again.

So today I finally get to relax and let go of worries! Spring break was full of homework, but this weekend isn't, which is great. Leeanne might be stopping by on Sunday as she travels about this side of the state doing promotions; it'll be nice to see her and get even more excited about this summer (if that's possible).

To conclude, I'll throw in the next chunk of my reflection I started to share last time.

"In high school I poured out so much ridiculous, manufactured pain on a close friend of mine. I expected so much from her, knowing that what I asked was out of a vain desire to feel assurance or pity or love. Had I just been a friend, I could’ve had something much more meaningful. Sure, it was a time of growth and pain…but much of it was selfish and demanding.

And another case – oh man. Talk about self-destructive. There are so many examples within that relationship where I let go of sensibility and dove headfirst into this hedonistic attitude that enveloped me. From the fall of senior year (How was that awful time in my life ever defined as “good” by me? How could I not see what I was doing?), to the winter when I let my heart be abused and mistreated, to the spring when, in an unbelievably pathetic turn of events, I gratefully – gratefully! - welcomed this person’s friendship with no questions asked. Gracious? I wish it were rooted in that. But it was rooted in feeling loved again, no matter the cost. And that I held on to that for another three years of aching self-doubt and insecurity…what a sad story.

I guess the good news is this: I can look back on that and see how broken those relationships were. Had I some self-control or a bit more wisdom, I could’ve salvaged a friendship, or saved myself a lot of heartache. I’m amazed at how easily I gave myself over to someone who was so thoughtless with my heart. And I’m amazed at how selfishly I demanded the attention and energy of someone that I said I cared about. And I did care! Oh, I did. And with great devotion, and great, exacting care I would tell and re-tell the people in my life how fabulous I thought they were.

Why do I do that? I mean, I still do. Does it stem from wanting that same assurance? Probably…well, at least partially. It’s equally unhealthy to criticize something about me that’s valuable. I think nurturing is a gift of mine, particularly through words of encouragement and gifts. So while I was blinded by my willingness to feel loved to the point that I would let myself be hurt (or would even hurt others) I think I equally feel the desire to pour out that love on the people from whom I demand it."

Excerpt No 1

Remember how I said I didn't have any time for this thing? Well, turns out that I do. Mostly because I'm procrastinating...classy, I know. But I'm exhausted after teaching all day, and I need to gear up to do it all again tomorrow. Fun! Actually, I really love my kids, and today was a ton of fun. But I'm still tired.

Anyway, I mentioned a while ago that I recently re-discovered a reflection I typed up in September during my post-camp recovery period. Since writing it, I've re-read it a few times and it continues to ring true with me. So I've been editing it a bit, and I'm going to be posting sections of it on here for a while. At least, that is the plan.

So here's the first excerpt! Forgive me if it seems really self-indulgent. I was going to post a really huge chunk of it tonight, but I think it would be too overwhelming, so I'll spread it out...prepare yourself! The next few days will be reflection-laden.

"I’ve spent the last year – well at least the last six months – being very self reflective and completely unaware of myself all at the same time. How is it possible for a person to spend all of their time thinking about themselves and coming to no conclusive emotion or realization? And at the same time, I can tell there are things that have changed about me, and I know I’ve had some pretty profound realizations about how I’m different and how God changes my worldview. But I’m so scared that these observations aren’t actually weighted in God or in me, but – as always – they’re rooted in the love, affection, and attention awarded from the people around me. I’m so, SO caught up in that world. I know that I am; I know that it’s probably more destructive than I’m willing to admit. Have I lost the ability to know how I’m actually feeling?

What have I learned? How have I changed? Where is God in all of this? What is healthy about my emotional state? What’s unhealthy? These are questions that I know I need to ask…I need some sort of awareness of these things. It’s time for some reflection.

Sitting around waiting for phone calls or AIM messages or emails or Facebook messages to confirm my value and worth is a ridiculous course of action. It’s unhealthy. It needs to stop. How do I shut off that desire for satisfaction through other people? That has been a source of pain and confusion in my life for many years. I have to think about how my attitude has affected my relationships in the past. In reality, the ways in which I rely on other people to define me and assign value to me have caused significant damage to all of my closest relationships in the past several years. "

DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNN!! Cliff hanger! I know, I know. You'll hear all of the juicy (and...embarassing?) details of my failures in a later post.

In the meantime, I'm going to watch The Office!

Ash Wednesday

During my senior year of high school, a friend and I decided to fast on Ash Wednesday. To me it seemed like no big deal. We'll just be hungry and tomorrow we'll have breakfast and that will be the end of it. Everything went according to plan - we didn't meet for breakfast that day, we attended the school's chapel service and got the ashy smudge on our foreheads, we didn't eat. Well, sort of. At around 4 o'clock, my friend went through quite an ordeal. She'd begun to feel lightheaded and woozy, and decided that she'd better eat a few Triscuts. After doing so, she was wracked with guilt - so much so that she called her mom in tears, confessing that she'd broken her fast.

Now, we all had a good laugh about it the next day over breakfast (which is what we were officially doing: breaking our fast). It seemed much less grave after we'd eaten our waffles. Why was she so torn up over a few Triscuts?

The further I get from that incident, the more I realize that my friend was delving deeper into the discipline of fasting than I was. I secretly patted myself on the back for outlasting her that day. "Look at me," I thought, "I can handle this fast. Not a big deal at all." But while I may have physically fasted, I certainly did not spiritually fast.

So what is fasting? Why do we do it? And does God really care about clandestine Triscuts in the afternoon?

Christian fasting, particularly Lenten fasting, is rooted in Christ's fasting in the wilderness after his baptism. Those 40 days and 40 nights are refleclected in our 40-day (not including Sundays) period of Lent, where Christians often "give up" something in rememberance of Jesus' sacrifice. I've found that often, at least for me, my choices of what to "give up" for Lent revolve around my own self-betterment. What vices should I abandon for 40 days? And is my willpower strong enough? Often it is my will, not the Lord's will. And furthermore, when I am tempted by those vices, I look once again to my own ability to resist them.

While considering these things, I turned to the book Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren Winner. Winner, a former Orthodox Jew-turned-Christian, writes about Jewish spiritual disciplines and their redemption and place in Christianity. Winner shares a story similar to that of my high school friend. Once, while in college, she ate a salami sandwich during the Fast of Esther, one of the required Orthodox Jewish fasts. Later, she asked a rabbi about whether or not God cared about this sandwich. His response:

"When you are fasting," he said, "and you feel hungry, you are to remember that you are really hungry for God."

And that, I realized, is what I missed during that first Ash Wednesday fast in high school. I was hungry, and I let my willpower carry me through. My friend was hungry, ate, and realized that she allowed her body to rule over what her spirit told her. She recognized her hunger for God, where I just recognized my awesomeness. Mudhouse Sabbath again:

"Rabbi M's words make it clear that, like the liturgy, the fast accomplishes a repositioning. When I am sated, it is easy to feel independent. When I am hungry, it is possible to remember where my dependence lies."

Today, I'm fasting again. I'm trying to look at it not as a battle of my will vs. my stomach. I'm trying to see it as my hunger for God, made corporal.

Persecution, the Church...and Watercolor

It's Sunday! And I went to a different church this morning (I do that a lot - mostly because I'm not here much on the weekends, so I don't really have a "church home" here)

Sadly, the service I attended today set my teeth on edge. I'm not sure if I my response is entirely justified or Biblical; sometimes my personal values and beliefs cloud what is true. But sometimes I think my response is grounded in truth...and I think today that was the case.

Now, I'm SURE this church is rooted in the Bible. They are brothers and sisters in faith. They seek after the Lord. They want to love Him and serve Him; I acknowledge that wholeheartedly. But today's sermon frustrated me in many ways. The preacher spoke on the passage in John where Christ warns his disciples of persecution due to their faith (the end of chapter 15 and the first few verses of 16). The crux of the sermon was that we, as American Christians, are persecuted by those who hate the faith - particularly those in our government. There was lots of talk about things like pro-life pastors being arrested for protesting, laws being passed that "attacked the faith" and so forth. The pastor suggested that we should all be memorizing scripture not because it is important to have the Word in our hearts, but because one day (possibly soon!) being a Christian may be illegal in our nation.

What.

To suggest that the greatest dangers facing the American Church today come at the hands of our government is foolishness, to me. That kind of religious-right agenda puts a bad taste in my mouth, and in the mouths of many. Sure, there is merit to discussing issues like abortion - but there is much more than just that.

The American Church (oh what a varied body she is!) cannot wallow in its "persecution." We cannot point fingers at atheists, or pro-choice people, or our government. The dangers facing our church are much deeper and much closer to home than that. The dangers in our church come from within - from apathy, complacency, from being satisfied with the status quo. They come from our culture of consumption, entitlement and me-first-me-only thinking. They come from alienating others with a message of hate, or - on the other side - from being passive and postmodern in our approach to the gospel.

There is so much work to be done. Work that goes beyond mailing postcards of fetuses to senators. Work that involves loving others, not shouting at them. And even if I don't share the views of this church (I'm one of those Demi-crats, you know), I am as much a part of the problem. I know that I fail to meet the demands of the gospel. I am broken, too.

That being said...the rest of my Sunday has been enjoyable! And really, even If i don't agree with that church on that, it gave me something to think about. And that's a good thing. After church I had lunch with my roommate and some of her friends, and I just finished a watercolor!



See, there it is! I was really nervous about watercolor before I started this semester. I'm an oil painter usually, and the method is very, VERY different. But I'm starting to get the hang of it, which makes it much more enjoyable, that's for sure.

So now I'm just going to enjoy the rest of my Sabbath. I might make some granny squares, or do a crossword, or call a friend. It's a nice, snowy day to enjoy.

On Reflection

About every six months I find myself in a place where I try to sort out and make sense of where my life is, and where it is going. Usually this happens at the end of the summer and in the middle of winter. I reflect at the summer's close after a few months of working at camp, and again in winter when I feel far-removed from those experiences.

I think it's that time again.

In fact, I think it's providentially become that time again. A few days ago, I organized the Word documents on my computer. Nothing fancy, I just threw all of last semesters papers and journals into a folder marked for my senior year. As I was sorting, I cam across a reflection I wrote in early September entitled "it's time for this." And I could not, for the life of me, remember writing it.

Now, I guess I should preface this a little. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the things I'm experiencing, and the best way for me to get a handle on things is through typing and typing and typing. It's cathartic. But when I go back to those writings months later, it's usually with some mortification. I get easily embarrassed by the things I write - mostly because I've grown out of feeling those things by the time I go back to them.

Which is why a blog may or may not be a sound choice.

But I digress...so I found this "writing" or whatever and, well, it's good that I found it again. Insightful, I know! But really. I wrote a lot about a subject that I've been encircling in thought and action for years: love. Woah, I know, PROFOUND! What a big deal! But it's true...I've spent a lot of time in Scripture, prayer and discussion over the subject of loving one another, loving God, and being loved both by Him and by others. It's a dizzying thing, after awhile.

While some of the entry is a bit personal, I think I'll be revisiting it and sharing some of the things I'm still sorting out.

In the meantime, however, I need to muster the courage to go to my painting studio. I enjoy painting, but it's been a struggle this semester. I'm floundering for anything meaningful right now; mostly because I'm still trying to sort out where I am, let alone where my art can be. So...we'll see how that goes.