i'm a bad friend

ooooh hi! remember me? it's okay if you don't. it's not like i've been posting much...um, or ever.

you know, one of the things about having a blog is the tension of feeling like you need to write in it, while trying to weigh the importance of what you're going to say. or debating if there's anything worth saying.

it's kind of like when you have a friend who lives far away. at first, you regularly call and catch up, and you can chat about everything! you talk about how beautiful today was, or the project going on at work, or the ridiculous thing you overheard in the grocery store. you touch base on the real things too - faith, relationships, emotional well-being. but those things come out of the regular conversation. 

but then, you go a few weeks without talking, and then a few months. and suddenly, that phone call feels like too much. how can you possibly catch your friend up on every single thing that's happened in the last six months? you've been to the grocery store dozens of times and heard multiple ridiculous things! you've gone through cycles of "everything's awesome, everything's awful!" you've heard sermons you loved and sermons you've hated! how can you possibly recap all of those things in a phone conversation! that would be impossible!

so you just don't call at all; there's too much to catch up on to get started now. 

and that's how i've been with this blog. there's too much to catch up on! so i just haven't written a thing. 

so! let's change that!

1) i am officially employed as the summer camp director at ligonier camp. full time employment! a salary! benefits! a house and purpose! a job i love working for a ministry that has changed my life! there's a lot to this that i'm still unpacking and figuring out, but the end result is that i'm blessed.

2) my house is awesome. i mean, it's just material stuff, but um, i love it. my furniture from mcconnellsburg made the move, and i have a great tv on which i'm watching the steelers pound the titans. hines ward just jumped right over a man into the end zone. so there's that!

3) sometimes i'm really lonely, but mostly things are great in the social realm. i have great community; i just need to adjust to the off-season flow of it. 

4) i've been doing a lot of thinking and research into updating website stuff and publishing stuff for camp, which has lead me into the world of looking at macs. so many monies! but i'm ready to have the right tools to do my job. that's part of my personality, i've discovered, and it's one i inherited from my dad. the big question: am i ready to move to macs after growing up PC all the way?

5) some benefits to living in ligonier in the fall include a bounty of wild apples, pawpaws, and the arrival of hunting season. we're livin' off the land! i've made apple crisp, apple chips, and i'm investigating pawpaw recipes. and michele's responsible for "catching" me a deer. 

i mean, i think that'll do for now. my hope is to be more disciplined in writing in here, so you don't just get bulk updates. i'd like to think i have more worthwhile things to say.

A List! Because Goodness Abounds!

you know, if i'm good at anything, i'm good at dwelling in anxiety. i can spend all day in a cloud of worry, and i can spend all night dreaming about the same stuff (in fact, i had a couple of dreams about staffing last night - it was ridiculous).

but for all my worry and fear, for all my doubts and uncertainty, there are many wonderful things in my life. and rainy tuesdays are good days to list the things in life that are simply awesome. so here are a few:

- spicy and delicious homemade ginger syrup, used to make equally spicy and delicious ginger lime cocktails, to be shared with awesome friends.

- mario kart marathons. and if you think this is going to be the only nerdy thing on this list, think again. you clearly don't know me. 

- good beer by way of a reasonably priced victory variety pack. hop devil, golden monkey, victory pils, and victory lager - yum. 

- God's providence with staffing, as more and more people (especially dudes) submit applications for a summer of ministry.

- job stuff is...well it's not all gloom and doom. there are good options on the table. if i could just surrender my anxiety, things would really be looking up!

- a brand new, totally soft, really warm micro fleece with the ligonier logo emblazoned on the front. for cheap! i love it.

- enjoying the extended editions of the lord of the rings via netflix, while simultaneously re-reading the books (i told you there was more nerdiness to come!).

- time spent with lots of friends - neighbors & visitors alike, who are encouraging, funny, and just all-around wonderful.

- conversations with amy, who patiently listens and faithfully prays for me, even while abroad in germany with her own worries.

- little people (dylan and james, duh) who shout and run to say hi every time i see them. it consistently makes my day.

- netflix. i just...i love netflix. that's all. 

- bread pudding, wii fun, and good tv for tonight!

- simple photoshop tutorials that make my point and shoot camera look like a dslr of awesomeness.

before:

after...see??

- green returns to the trees! spring & the promise of summer! warm days! thunderstorms! delight!

- the promise of vacation, mere weeks away

so things are good. great, even. today is a quieter day in the office, but things in life are happening the way they should - which is to say, as God has set them out to be. my prayers for patience, trust, and courage are answered at the right times. and there are plenty of blessings to temper my anxiety - i just need to take the time to see them.

Rain and Gloom, Or How I (re)Discovered God's Faithfulness in February

the last two months have been a challenge. i packed up my cozy room in mcconnellsburg. i said tearful goodbyes to my church family and, you know, my regular one. i said goodbye to one tiny town and hello to another tiny town.

i moved to camp.

and if you know me, you know i love camp. it felt so strange to be away from it this summer. away from the games, the routine, the songs and skits and staff. so the opportunity to be back - and not just back, but back starting in january - sounded fantastic. it sounded like where i was supposed to be.

but when the time to leave rolled around, it felt less like that. i realized how much home felt like, well, home. leaving felt absurd and scary. but at that point, it's not like there was much of a choice left to make; it was time to go.

and now i'm here. the work is good work. i have community, and a job that matters. i live in a cozy house:

and i live with friends and neighbors who are caring, loving, and gracious. even with all that, the transition has been rough around the edges at times. i leapt headfirst into a time consuming and pretty intense job. and even with the familiarity of camp and the surrounding area, there's a level of feeling out of place that comes and goes.

in other words, it's not home yet.

today i gave a family with three sons a tour of the property and answered their questions about camp. and while i was telling them about everything we do, i remembered how much this place can feel like home. i remembered how precious my summers have been here, and i remembered how much i love being here.

so this afternoon, i decided to go for a walk. the weather here is downright gross today. it's rainy, gloomy, muddy and wet. yesterday would've been a much better day to trek about, with the sun out and the bright blue sky, but today felt right. it's not too cold, and the rain isn't too heavy. and the more i looked, the more beautiful the day became.

i don't mean to sound too melodramatic here. it's not like i've been slogging through some emotional turmoil and i finally had some breakthrough today. "i've been so sad, but now i see that the sad is beautiful!" ha, not this time. i'm actually quite happy, but the confusion and transition felt a little messy.

today it was nice to be out in the mess and enjoy it. it's not that photogenic, it's not the ideal day to show off our property, or to take a lot of photos for my blog to impress you with the beauty of my surroundings. but it's where i am right now, and today i remembered that the lord put me here with great intentionality. he put me here, because here is where i'm supposed to be. he put me here in the middle of winter, when there are no kids, when it snows all the time, when it's cold and icy.

he put me here to accomplish his purposes for me, no matter how vague or distant they might feel to me right now. and he calls me to enjoy it, not just in the summer. not just on the bright and beautiful days, but always.

Summer time!

It's summer! I'm going to say that's 90% awesome, 10% not awesome. Here's why:

+ The weather's been consistently beautiful for the last two weeks. Even rainy days like today feel nice!
+ Speaking of rainy days, this is the first summer in 5 years where I don't have to worry about them. Since I'm not working at camp, I don't have to worry about thunderstorms or rainy day games or any of that stuff. I can sit on my porch and watch the storms roll by.
- However, that means I'm not at camp. And that's kind of lame, honestly. I'm still getting used to the idea that camp is happening without me...which is okay, and most of the time I'm totally fine with it. But occasionally I'll have a moment where I think about it and it's a little sad. More on that later.
+ I'm going to HARRY POTTER WORLD in about two weeks.
+ Lindsay and Eric's wedding is coming up soon, which will probably be the biggest social event of my summer. EVERYONE WHO'S EVERYONE will be there! Well, sort of.
+/- Subbing is over for the summer, obviously. On one hand, that's kinda nice; I can go to bed knowing I won't be getting a 6AM phone call. On the other hand? I have no source of income. Ugh.
- Not subbing allows for a TON of time where I get to sit in the house alone and fret about the future. Will I get a teaching job? Will I have to move somewhere else? Will I even hear back and get an interview anywhere? Will I be able to pay my student loans? Will I have to defer? Will I end up working at Giant bagging groceries? Should I get a retail job somewhere this summer, since I have no income? Will I be here next year subbing all year? Can I even handle that? ...You get the picture.
+ Gardening is cool! We have lettuce, strawberries, mint, thyme, and basil in abundance. On Monday, Anna and I went cherry picking at the cherry tree behind our church, so I have a fridge full of strawberries and cherries. We also planted tons of plum tomatoes, "pineapple tomatoes" (which are an heirloom variety), yellow peppers, red peppers, cayenne peppers, and broccoli. Those probably won't be ready for harvesting until much later in the summer, but I'm seriously looking forward to enjoying them.

I think that's it for the +/- game. This week is going by pretty quickly; Friday I'm hanging out with HS Beth and then going to a Hagerstown Suns game with my brother and aunt. Saturday I'm heading out to Lauren's house in Pittsburgh, and then going to the camp commissioning service at First Pres, then I'm booking it to Olivia's graduation party at the Greensburg Country Club. And then I'm back home! For about a week, before departing for HP WORLD (!!!!) with Whit, then picking up J-Raff and going to the wedding! And that brings me to July.

So the summer will be busy! Not as busy as being at camp, but I think I'm ready for that. Like I said, most of the time I'm totally okay with not being at camp. I LOVE it there but...I can tell it's time to step back. I'm trying to be intentional about praying for the camp, without letting myself feel like I need to be there. So far, so good.

So what about you? How's your summer? And do you know of any jobs out there??

11 Weeks Later...

Well, I'm home. What a summer.

It was difficult. I'm exhausted.

I forgot about the physical work that is the CIT job. I forgot how exhausting it is to clean 350 dishes after every meal, or to scrub every sink, toilet and shower, or to sweep...everything. By week 11 I didn't want to touch another dish or broom again. My feet and back and hands ached by the end of each day. But through all of that exhaustion and pain, the Lord gave me deep satisfaction. There's something amazing about watching all of that work get done in a little amount of time. Watching hundreds of bowls and plates go from being disgusting to completely clean in a mere hour is almost miraculous. Doing these jobs was a reminder that God created us to be people who work. And yes, there were days (especially by the end) where it got harder and harder to take joy in work, but I loved being able to come home and think about all of the things I'd done that day.

And for all of the physical exhaustion, there was the emotional and spiritual exhaustion that comes from living in tight community for a long period of time. Ministering to the girls and trying to meet their needs as a mentor and friend took all that I had. I learned quickly that "all that I had" wasn't very much, so the Lord had to step in for the rest. Living in community also means that, eventually, you're going to see and experience your own brokenness and the brokenness of the people around you. I learned so much about intentional community this summer; how do we address our brokenness with each other? How can I meet your needs, and how can you meet mine? What a blessing to be able to ask those questions of people who know me and love me. And what a blessing to know that we are able to know and love each other because we are known and loved by the Father first.

I'm still reflecting a lot about this summer. I loved my job so much. I loved working with Geraud, I loved living with Lauren, I loved being with my CITs, and more than all of those things, I'm seeing (and loving) how the Lord is transforming me in real and concrete ways.

I learned more this summer than I could'v hoped for, and more than I've been able to fully process. Last night, Whitney spent the night at my house and we just debriefed the summer for a few hours. It was a blessing to verbally process the things that are happening...I'm excited to keep doing that.

Camp happened. It happened in a big, big way...I'm glad it happened, I'm glad I got to be a part of its happening, and I'm glad - in some ways - that it's no longer happening. It's time for the next stuff to happen.

But for right now I'm sleepy and ready to do nothing for a while. I've made plans and committments to friends with whom I'm going to be intentional, and I'm ready to spend some time with my family. I might go to Pittsburgh this week for a Pirates game, and Washington over the weekend for a Steelers/Redskins preseason game. I might go to the Thayers after that and spend some time with my second family :)

It's good to be home, even if it's a tough transition to be away from so many people whom I love...but the Lord is faithful and I'm where I need to be.

Aaaaaand, I'm OFF!

I leave for camp today! Which means I may or may not write in this blog...but that's okay. Because the summer is going to be wonderful!

If you think of it, it'd be awesome to have prayer for the campers and staff as we work to do some serious ministry this summer. Please be praying for effective training, safe travels, and open hearts that we would hear God's word and be struck by it anew. And pray for safe activities - from rafting to paintball to GOLDRUSH! The Lord prepared some incredible things for this summer, and I'm SO excited to see what those are going to be!

Memorials

Well, I'm in the home stretch before it's time for camp...I head out on Friday, which means I need to spend this week organizing and packing up my stuff for the summer. It's hard to believe it's already time for this; I feel like last summer just ended! But on the other hand, I'm getting almost giddy with excitement...Friday can't come soon enough!

So today is Memorial Day. Yesterday in church we had a supply pastor filling the pulpit because our pastor is continuing education in Georgia or something. And yesterday had two possible directions it could've gone in: Ascension Day or Memorial Day. We went the Memorial Day route.

Ugh.

I'll clarify the "ugh." I put a lot of stock in Memorial Day. I have a lot of important people to remember today. I'll go visit a grave, I'll take flowers, I'll remember my loved ones. I know that, traditionally, this day is meant to honor veterans and their sacrifice for our country - I'm fine with that too. It's important to remember the cost of war (though I think it's quite telling of our culture that we find it so easy to forget that cost - casualties from both sides, that is). Here's where Memorial Day get's mucky for me: when it becomes GOD BLESS AMERICA (AND NO WHERE ELSE) Day.

The pastor who preached yesterday didn't really hammer that point home, for which I'm grateful. However, he spent little to no time discussing scripture and a whole lot of time talking about remembering the cost of freedom. You want to talk about that? Fine! But don't do it from the pulpit. God's heart breaks for our lost ones as much as it breaks for the soldiers on the other side of the line. We're not a country executing vigilante justice, or the swift hand of our angry God. We're a nation of broken people, who ask for God's blessing because of our brokenness. Not because of our awesomeness. So when we spend our Sundays contemplating how our nation is out there "puttin' a boot in the ass" of terror, I think we're focusing on the wrong thing.

We should ask God to bless America because we, like all people, need God's blessing. Not because we're the only country in this world who's finally got it right. Because...well, we haven't.


ANYWAY. I'm probably preaching to the choir on that one, but whatever. Now I'm going to go enjoy my Memorial Day! I have loved ones to remember, and loved ones to be with. I hope you can do the same :)

Post-California & New Adventures

California was beautiful!!!! And I had a wonderful time meeting Lisa's friends and seeing her school, her coffee shop (what a weird thing to say is "hers" but she spends a ton of time there...you know how it is), and her church. I love seeing where my friends live, especially when they're far away. It's fun to know their context and being able to match names to faces and locations to images.

Speaking of images, here are some pictures!



This is a view from Pepperdine University. That campus was...incredible. Hello, ocean!



Malibu! There's a man in the bottom left hand corner who looks like he's showing off his butt, but I don't think he is...



Sunset from the Santa Monica Pier



The Getty! A sweet museum with beautiful gardens, a nice collection, and no contemporary art! (We asked to make sure we hadn't missed it.)



One of the many fountains at the Getty



Flower trees from the Getty gardens



Tourism! I made Lisa take me down to the Chinese Theater. We were in Hollywood anyway for church, but this photo proves I'm still a tourist.



Fun!

Anyway, today I'm just relaxing at home. I have some fun stuff going on tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday. And on Friday High School Beth and I are going to catch a movie and hang out, which will be a nice time. And a week from Friday? Helloooooo CAMP!